Years to Build. Seconds to Crumble.
From the evening of Friday, March 19th, 2021
Psalm 13:1-6 NIV
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
Life’s most vulnerable moments are often when we are alone. I was laying in bed one evening, reflecting on everything, and pulled out my phone to write this in my Notes app. I never printed it to put it in my journal (that’s why there isn’t a picture), but I thought I would copy and paste to share it anyway. This is also the first (and a rare) post where I wasn’t necessarily praying as much as I was just writing out thoughts. Still, it had a very Psalm-like cry that I guess it could be interpreted as such.
Even King David had dark moments, but remembering that God is faithful is key. Trust in Him.
My friend Alex Willis always used to remind me, “In order to get to the top of the next mountain, you have to go through another valley.”
Here is what I wrote on…
Friday, March 19th, 2021 at 11:27p as I lay in bed.
I think I understand why people go through a midlife crisis. You put your heart and soul into the various aspects of your life, your career being one of them and you wake up and realize (or at least believe) you should be a lot further than you actually are.
Friends are showing and posting the very best of their lives on social media. You wish you had the success they had, lived in a house like that, traveled like that, etc. without realizing they are truly miserable because the part they aren’t showing is the behind the scenes of their marriage falling apart, or their addictions, their misery.
Still I ponder... Shouldn’t I be further than I am right now?
I think about the 17 years of New Scooters 4 Less. The blood, sweat, and tears. The time, dedication, the nearly two decades of life poured into this and thinking that it’s all coming to an end. And so quickly. It takes years to build something. Seconds for it to crumble.
The heart is a tricky thing. The brain is its enemy. Yet these competitors can’t live without the other.
My heart aches. It’s broken. I’m sad. I want to run away. I want to avoid life in this moment. I feel like no one really cares. I feel like only I care. The heart, even though my passion for NS4L has run dry, says to figure out a way to keep it alive. Too much work has gone into it. Are you really going to close the chapter?
The head says, “what are you doing? Lock the door already. Time is money. You’re running out of both. It’s mathematical fact that if you don’t change something and do so now, you’re done. So, what are you waiting for?” But the heart holds on. It’s like those relationships you know are over, but you hold on simply because it’s what you know. It’s routine.
I also doubt myself... is the only reason my passion has run dry because this pandemic has drained my business financially? If the business was healthier would I want to be out?
I think I would be out personally, but I think I would be more inclined to keep it alive and find someone else to run it. My time is done.
Tonight I found out our neighbors, investors, and friends are moving away. We love them. The news hurts. It sent me down this rabbit hole above.
I’m jealous. I’m jealous of their ability to close up shop, leave their business and jobs, and move away. Fresh start.
I really want to do the same sometimes. Just pick up and leave. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice.
I’ve poured 21 years into this community and often wonder, “what for?” Sure, I have some great relationships, but shouldn’t there be more to all of this?
I wonder...
Sometimes I receive messages of concern from readers (which I appreciate), but this is a quick reminder that this was written over 3 years ago. Thank you for reading this blog!
If this is your first time visiting my blog, please read about it here and please subscribe. Thank you!
New or old post, we all have these thoughts. I'm not good enough, nobody cares, everyone else's life is better than mine.
You are not alone.
Ar the end of the day we have to remember God's love for us wirh all of our flaws and neurosis and know that His love is all that matters.
Everything else is fluff and will all fall into place if we keep the faith.
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable, and familiar, sentiment.