When Surrender Feels Like Defeat
A piece of my prayer journal from May 11th, 2021
If you want to go on the most intense emotional roller coaster of your life, just start a business.
There are days you are swimming in cash and then soon after, you are printing out your bank statements, analyzing line by line, and circling expenses and subscriptions to see what you can cut.
I saw this post recently that summed it up perfectly…
As seen in my Strength in Tears blog post and now in the prayer journal entry below, May of 2021 was an emotional month.
Though cash flow was slightly improving, I had lost most of my team by this point and was back on the ground floor, no longer a ‘CEO’ but a struggling business owner.
Here is a piece of my prayer journal from May 11th, 2021…
Tuesday, May 11th, 2021 11:46p Bedroom
Jesus,
I’m sorry when I voice my frustrations out loud and they are directed at you. In those moments of intense and overwhelming pressure I question you. I question your plans for me. I question this place of loneliness. Being the only sales person again. It does feel like 2007 all over again.
In many ways, I do love it. It’s fun. And I’m good at it, but I know I’m meant for more. What’s the lesson here? What are you teaching me? I really don’t think I’m meant to sell scooters my whole life, but if I am, so be it…
Looking back on this prayer, here’s what I’ve learned…
The Lord is faithful. Surrender is difficult. As someone that likes to be in control of the situations around me, this is an internal struggle that I have to keep battling.
We have to take the next step in faith, even if we don’t know the complete plan. What felt like 20 steps backward ended up being a revolution in how we operate. It would accelerate us into our most profitable season ever.
If God calls me to run this scooter dealership the rest of my life, I’ll do it with joy. But I believe the Lord is using all of this to shape me for something more.
The Lord can handle it. Even when we doubt, get frustrated, and yell… He never turns His back on us. A friend and mentor of mine often tells me, “I just don’t see you standing in front of Jesus when you get up to heaven and saying, ‘Why did you abandon me?’.”
Could you imagine that? I can’t either.
Though I don’t think yelling at God is the best way to communicate with Him, lol, I do think He prefers that over silence. He wants us to lean on Him. He wants us to call out to Him.
If you are ever in this place of raw emotion, give yourself grace. I recall King David having his own emotional pleas to the Lord…
Psalm 13:1-6 NIV
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.Lean on community. I’ve talked about this before but I believe most people, including myself, prefer “not to burden others with my problems.” But we are supposed to do exactly that. Scripture tells us to carry the burdens of others (Galatians 6:2).
Though I felt alone “in” my business (something that I believe most business owners deal with), I had great community in a Christian business leader small group I was a part of during that time. Other business owners had been through similar situations and were able to pour into my life. I’m so grateful for these leaders.
Here in April 2025, I’m facing many of the same challenges today as I did 4 years ago… The difference is that I have these prayers to reflect on and remember that that the Lord has a plan and is always using the challenges for my good. I’m excited to see Him work.
Thank you for reading. I’m praying that the Lord brings you a season of fruitfulness in your lives and businesses. God bless you.
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