Am I or Am I Not Hitting Rock Bottom?
Late January & Early February 2020
[After some reflecting, I’ve decided to jump around my prayer journal and not necessarily publish it in order of journal entries. My primary reasoning? I’d like the blog posts of today to reflect what’s on my heart today, yet revisit these prayers of my past.]
Have you ever been in that place where you are questioning everything? Why is this happening? Why me? Why now?
We all have. I’ve been there way too often. You feel alone. You feel like there is nothing you can do. You feel hopeless. You feel like it’s not even worth trying to explain it to others because even though they say they understand, you believe that they really don’t. So, you keep it to yourself. I did too… until I started pleading with God…
[Retyped and Elaborated] Tuesday, January 28th (2020) 7:05a
Lord, give me the strength to persevere through these tough times at NS4L and to do it with pure joy. This team needs me, but I don’t think they believe in me right now. Help me get us there sooner rather than later. Help me motivate, inspire, and empower. Help me fix these processes and create processes that live on. Help me figure out how to deliver twice as much with half the effort as laid out in Profit First1 book [a book I was reading around this time that I HIGHLY recommend]. When I put this many hours in, I miss my family and when I take 3 days off to spend with my son on his 5th grade field trip, I feel guilty for doing so [I believe entrepreneurs battle with “work-life balance” more than anyone]. Is this what you had in mind for my life? Forgive these thoughts. Forgive the times I lose faith. I know you are with me and have to remember that YOU have purpose in all this [Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.]. Reveal your plan to me. Show me the next steps. [I pray this A LOT to this very day.] Help me build the most impactful dealership in the country. Speak to me. Tell me what to do. Speak so I can hear you loud and clear. I pray for my family and team during this volatile time. Help me start this day with a clear head, positive mindset, and with extreme gratitude. No matter how bad my circumstances may seem to be, I know how blessed I am to have challenges as small as these in a world full of people that are going through much bigger challenges [This always has helped me keep a sound perspective. When things seem bad, remember that someone is always going through something worse than you are.] Always remind me of that and remind me that this is all for YOUR Glory, not mine. I love you and thank you for this day and another opportunity to live and make an impact. Love you. Amen.
[A little over a week later, I journaled again…]
[Retyped and Elaborated] February 8th, 2020
Lord, my family just left for a birthday party and I’m at home alone. Seems like a common place these days. [I was already feeling alone and isolated and this was a month prior to the pandemic when people would be told to stay home and isolate.] Please, heal me of this sickness in my head (the literal [not to be confused with mental] congestion, congestion headaches, cough). [I believe I had Covid before Covid was “known” in the United States. My symptoms matched exactly and it lingered for over a month. The doctor kept telling me, “you have some type of viral infection” but couldn’t identify it at that time.] My routine has been thrown off. I’m consumed by too much and it piles on and piles on. There is no relief. I go further and further into debt. I can’t seem to turn things around. Money isn’t coming in. Unpaid invoices stacking up. NS4L running out of cash. Cash exiting the bank accounts faster than ever and gray hair coming out of my head faster than ever at 37 yrs old. This is not what I want for my life and I need your help to change it. Please God. I’m so grateful for my family. They are growing up quick. Maddox lost his first tooth today. I want to spend my time with them and I want to impact peoples lives for the better. I want to build something great with a legacy that lives on forever and glorifies you. What am I doing wrong? If you’re trying to humble me, it’s working. I’m trying to find joy in these moments [ James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.]. It’s difficult to find joy when you’re sick, broke, have way too much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it. Give me clarity in my next steps. What action should I take first? I pray for the [Name left out for privacy] family. This [private matter] thing seems like it’s becoming a mess. Guide my steps and let your will be done. Relieve me of all financial debt and help me reach financial freedom. Protect my family through all. Love you. Amen.
I don’t think I realized how “jumbled” my prayers were, but when you’re speaking from the heart… it all bleeds together.
These entries are back to back in my journal. Sometimes I would only go a day between journals. In this case, a little over a week. My heart was very much in the same place on February 8th as on January 28th, 2020, so I thought it would be best to share these two prayers together.
I also wanted to point out that people tell us (and we often tell ourselves…) “It can’t get much worse.” That’s not always true, is it? I was feeling pretty low at this time and was feeling pretty down on myself and my circumstances. I was trying to prop myself up by reminding myself that God has a purpose in all this and that “it can’t get much worse.” Well, it was about to get worse, a lot worse. Little did I know at this time, a pandemic was a month and a half from entering our world and changing my life forever.
I truly believe that God put it on my heart to start journaling when I did to prepare me and set a new practice in place before the Covid-chaos and everything that was about to come with it would begin.
More coming soon… Until then, may God bless you and yours.
Collin
https://mikemichalowicz.com/profit-first/